he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
