So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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