there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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