i jhust puked up my retainher.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
