I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
