i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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