Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
