Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Randomize
