Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
