Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
