but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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