I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
