i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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