I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
