I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
