Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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