You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
