then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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