I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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