That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
