you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
