The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
