It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
