I wish I could punch you in the face.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
