I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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