Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
