DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
