If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My ATM looks so different sober.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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