So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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