u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
why do cheetos always look like penises
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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