Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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