Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
