So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Randomize
