Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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