did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
