First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Randomize
