Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
