Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
