I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
