The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
