eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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