I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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