Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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