I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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