and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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