Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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