The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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