I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
