How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
