Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
