It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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