I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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