i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
