I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
