So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
