I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
