Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
