Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I currently don't understand fingers.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
