A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
