You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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