Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize